CUT! - Self Working Card Trick

Love, Lust & Marriage

LOVE - When your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST- when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - When you try to lose your spouse in a crowded room.

LOVE - When intercourse is called "making love."
LUST - When intercourse is called "screwing."
MARRIAGE - When intercourse is a town in Pennsylvania. There really is one.

LOVE - When you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - When you argue over who gets the wet spot?
MARRIAGE - When you argue over whose idea it was to have kids.

LOVE - When you share everything you own.
LUST - When you steal everything they own.
MARRIAGE - When the bank owns everything.

LOVE - When it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - When the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - When . . . uh . . . what's a climax?

LOVE - When you phone each other just to say, "Hi."
LUST - When you phone each other to pick a hotel room.
MARRIAGE - When you phone each other to ***** about work.

LOVE - When you write poems about your partner.
LUST - When all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - When all you write is checks.

LOVE - When your only concern is for your partner's feelings.
LUST - When your only concern is to find a room with mirrors all-round.
MARRIAGE - When you're only concern is what's on T.V.

LOVE - When you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - When you only see each other naked.
MARRIAGE - When you never see each other awake.

LOVE - When your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - When your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - When your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - When all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - When the song on the radio determines how you do it.
MARRIAGE - When you listen to talk radio.

LOVE - When breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - When staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - When just getting through the day is your only thought.

LOVE - When you're only interested in doing things with your partner.
LUST - When you're only interested in doing things TO your partner.
MARRIAGE - When you're only interested in your golf score.

LOVE - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and talk.
LUST - When a rainy day means more time to stay inside and have sex.
MARRIAGE - When a rainy day means it's time to clean the basement.

LOVE - You only leave the house to buy coffee and doughnuts.
LUST - You only leave the house to buy condoms and Vaseline.
MARRIAGE - You only leave the house when you're allowed

When I was a kid

Myself and my little brother were playing in the playground one day, he was on the swing and I was on the top of the really high climbing frame (probably about 6 foot of the ground but seemed like at least 50ft!).. My brother had this younger friend called Paul. Paul was about 5 and a bit special! He had this special silly idiot boy laugh (the horror of which will never leave me)! My brother was very evil when he was a bairn and used to torture this Paul a lot. Anyway, this one day Paul had his little fishing net with him for catching sticklebacks. For reasons known only to Paul he had a massive dog turd in the net.
Interesting I thought - I'll just stay up here out of reach! My brother started talking to Paul and it suddenly became a game of Paul trying to get us with this dog turd in a net. Poking it through the holes in the climbing frame and laughing his insane special little laugh I can still remember the crazed look in his eyes (sends shivers down my spine).
After about ten minutes of failing to get us my brother shouts "put the net over your head Paul!". Sounding like a great idea we both shouted this over and over while Paul laughed and laughed and laughed. Being a good boy Paul put the net over his head and pulled it down over his face!!!!
There was shit all over his head - in his hair and on his face, you could smell it and I was gagging! Paul was still laughing!
Then my brother reached new realms of sickness and shouted "eat some Paul". Surely the sick kid wouldnt do that i thought?! How wrong was I!!!!! Almost in slow motion Paul pulled a big dark brown nugget out of his hair and plopped it in his mouth! I ran home screaming!


I later found out that my brother had persuaded Paul not tell his mum that we were involved - bribing him with all the orcs from his Space Crusade set, and the frigging dreadnought!!! Paul was grounded and had all fishing net access restricted!
(Apologies for the length - one of my earliest sickest memories! I don't know where Paul is but I really hope he doesn't work in the food industry!)

Years ago my brother ....

...and I were hanging around in the garden of a house that my parents had just bought and needed doing up, therefore there was no bathroom. My brother was absolutely bursting for a poo so he did it behind some trees in the garden. Later on we heard my father yelling frantically - he'd been mooching around in the garden and had come across the gargantuan turd my brother had produced...... "My god, look at this!!!" he cried, "What kind of enormous animal could have done something as DISGUSTING as this!??!" as he looked nervously around. It didn't cross his mind that it could have been human. We didn't tell him the truth for years! What is funny is that he was so shocked at the size of the turd and what monster could have produced it that when we brought it up he remembered!!

Not me this time..

This happened to my best mate's brother. We lived in Finchley in north London, and at the time, he was a student at Goldsmith's college, living in New Cross in south east London.

He'd been home for Sunday lunch and had spent a pleasant afternoon, but wanted to get back that night. He set off for the Tube fairly late, but with enough time to make the connection to British Rail for the last bit of the journey.

As soon as he got on the Tube he realised that he needed a shit, and it was going to be a good 'un. The journey continued, he let out the odd fart to ease the pressure, but it continued to mount. Now, when he got to Victoria he realised there wasn't time to find a bog AND get the last train to New Cross, so he heaved in his guts and ran for the train. Things were now getting desperate but he hung on like a hero.

As the train approached New Cross he went over the walk to his shared house in his mind and got out his key in preparation. Then he realised he could visit a friend who lived near the station and use theirs. Running the whole way through the deserted streets he made it in 3 minutes flat and leant on the bell while banging on the door. As soon as he saw a shadow approaching in the hall, he undid his trousers, the door opened, he pushed past and ran to the bog pulling his pants down as he turned and let fly with a massive crap...

...unfortunately, he missed the toilet.

Sorry for length.