Grr...this bugs me sometimes. I was blog-browsing tonight, as I do every time I'm bored as sin, and stumbled across some similar themes. Some were strangers, some were people I know from some aspect of my life.

The theme is: self-identity. It blows my mind how many people still sound like 14 year olds at this stage of their lives. Looking everywhere they possibly can for something to make them feel better about themselves, a song in most cases. Something that usually says "you're different, that makes you better than all those other sheep". Upon finding this song they get self-righteous because they are different and the rest of us are all one of the crowd. And of course, in an hour or so the song wears off and they go back into their depressive slumps.

We are all sheep. Granted, every single one of us is unique...but do you know how few categories you would need to encompass every individual person? We all fit into some kind group. The fun example is the group of hardcore goths who must dress the same and listen to the same obscure music to prove their uniqueness...but again, it's not just the goths, that's just my example, probably because it's the most well-known. "Insecure and constantly in search of self-identity in realms outside of the self" could be a category for the people that inspired this post.

Not to put myself above this. I try to seperate myself from the materialistic and superficial world as much as possible, but hey, I'm not the only one. Throw me into that category. "Seperation from modern life for inner peace". Am I the only one in this category? Not by a long shot. My individual experiences and the resulting thoughts and actions make me unique, but only unique within a group. We are all in groups.

So you know what? Quit trying to make an identity for yourself that is completely seperate from the world. It's not possible, and if it was, you'd live and die alone. And if you think you've done it, good for you, now get the fuck off your high horse and step into reality. You're no better than the rest of the flock, time to accept that.

***Note to the flock - I used to belong to that group: "Insecure and constantly in search of self-identity in realms outside of the self". So you could say I'm speaking from experience here. I grew out of it a long time ago. What bothers me is the huge number of people, of my peers, who have not. Not the 14 year olds, that's what being 14 is about. It's the 20 - 25 year olds who seem to be caught in the identity vaccuum of modern society. I give a certain degree of sympathy to people; the kind of sympathy I would give to an addicted smoker who was surrounded by smokers their entire life and seemed pre-destined to become one. But hey, ultimately it's within everyone's own power what they do with themselves. I could see the limitations to my peace of mind and identity, and I could overcome them. I'm no more special than the next person, so there's nothing stopping those others still stuck there except themselves.

To me it all came down to happiness. It's all I want from life, and I think a lot of people could honestly say the same thing. It's just a matter with dealing with those things that make you unhappy. One by one. It often means confronting personal demons and physical discomforts that you'd just rather avoid, but aversion solves nothing. Temporary pain for long-term gain. Rather than finding the song that gives you an hour of identity, why not find out just why you think you need to find something to identify yourself? It's not like you need to justify who you are to anyone. If you feel you do, then why? Figure out why you think you need to do that, and work your way up.

Life is growth. When we stop growing we stagnate and die. This applies to everything in life, but in my opinion, it applies most importantly to the growth of the self. I feel I've overcome my own boundaries and have begun this "journey" of growth. It's a journey with no end, as one can never be finished with it. We grow forever, until we actually die.

Anyway, enough of the preachy stuff for tonight. That turned out to be a lot longer than I wanted it to be; I was mostly just frustrated by seeing people I know act like kids again, and then imply that they were so much better than the rest of us slobs because they found a song and, by god, that song was written specifically for them. By the by, if you're reading this, it wasn't you I would be refering to, so rest easy.

We Get Our Fourth Leg

After looking through thousands of applicants, I've found one with a writing style that isn't half bad. Apacaslash has applied and won the position as the latest Bassguy Dot TK author. As I write this post, he is being sent an invitation to join the crew. To give you a little taste of what you'll be getting, I'll post the test paragraph that won him the spot:

I wonder what people see when the think about college life. They probably see a [sic] large classroom with a old boring professor who lectures for over an hour, puts half the class to sleep and then as class is leaving issues a very large homework assignment due the next time class meets. However true that may be college life is much different than I previously imagined. Instead of the old boring teachers, you have the younger more interesting instructors that actually learn your name. The class size is quite different, instead of a two, three, or four hundred student class I have a class that has about thirty, which helps the instructors learn our names. Instead of a four year stay, I get two and a half year sentence. This comes with a price however, no summer vacation, no long breaks, only periodic week or two breaks gives us a chance to rest our minds from getting too burned out.

Some of you were interested, but I never received a test paragraph from you. So if you didn't send me a test paragraph, I didn't choose you because of that reason, not because of your writing style. If you are still interested in joining the BDTK crew, just E-mail me a test paragraph and your E-mail address.

I'm blogging way too many hours a day, reading other blogs, updating links, finding interesting stuff, just not writing. So, revised, I must write my doings or thoughts, only change a few gismo a day, one extra-curricular (non-friend) blog. We'll see how it works out.

From Friday Five with my answers.

1. What was your biggest accomplishment this year?
I saved up a lot of money, and took a trip to Britain, doing almost all the organizing. I'm pretty proud of that accomplishment, being a traveller.

2. What was your biggest disappointment?
Other hopes unrealized.

3. What do you hope to happen in the next 12 months?
I hope to travel, not quit on my hobbies, and be less afraid of small talk.

4. Will you be making any resolutions? If yes, what will they be?
I usually do not make resolutions at this time, just strung out along the way.

5. What are your plans for New Year's Eve?
New Year's for me is more towards March 20th. But on Thursday, we are going to my grandparents' house to have lunch, because we have the free time. The rest of the world doesn't work, so Dad can't either.

True New Year: In Exodus 12:2, it says: "This month shall be unto you the beginning of months: it shall be the first month of the year to you." Also, in Exodus 13:3 & 4, "And Moses said unto the people, Remember this day, in which ye came out from Egypt, out of the house of bondage; for by strength of hand Yahweh brought you out from this place: there shall no leavened bread be eaten. This day came ye out in the month Abib."

To understand the new year, a few other things have to be understood. The day begins at evening (Genesis 1:5). The month begins at the new moon. I believe this because the same word used for month 254 times, chodesh, is used also for new moon about twenty times. It is just a historical fact that the new year was decided according to the spring equinox. To lay out my belief, the new year is to be reckoned according to the spring equinox, being the day of the first new moon after this. Usually this date is March 20th.

Just for kicks - I saw this baked beans puzzle in a London shop:

outwit, outplay, outlast, outclass?

finally watched the Survivor: All Stars finale on NTV7 an hour ago, after a few days delay. the popular show was delayed since last monday. that's 4 days dawg! just 'cause some jerk refused to give up their mother's day movie slot to Survivor...waarrrggghhh hahahaha...okay okay actually i understand why they delayed the finale, but NTV7 should've been aware of the schedule a looonggg time ago, and took the necessary steps. whatever.
SURVIVOR. a brilliant show don't you agree? have been following this show for quite some time, and got attracted initially after watching a half-naked Colleen Haskell (the chick starred in "The Animal" with Adam Sandler's sidekick, Rob Schneider) in Survivor: Borneo. rrrr...right here in our own country, Malaysia.

the latest of Survivor: All Stars just ended in a dramatic, emotional and twisted way. Amber Brkich (25-year-old All-Star of Survivor: The Australian Outback) emerged as the one-million dollar winner when she outlast Rob Mariano, appropriately known as Boston Rob (the 28-year-old All-Star of Survivor: Marquesas) by only one vote (4 to 3). sometimes the speech by the Jury could me more entertaining and interesting than the final result itself, including this one. the Final Tribal Council of the All Stars made Sue's (Susan Hawk) infamous speech to Kelly in the first Survivor: Borneo seem like nothing.

for all Survivor fanatics out there, what do you guys think about the Jury's speech? most Americans and some of us agreed that Boston Rob deserved to win the million bucks, 'cause he's without a doubt, the strongest player physically and strategically of All Stars. he may not play a clean game, as he's hurt and backstabbed so many to be in the final two (noticeably Lex and Rob C.). consequently, he "paid the price" for choosing to play that game the way he did. hmmm can we actually say that? he paid the price? no i don't think so. i really believe that Boston Rob is viciously smart in approaching the game (having an alliance with your girlfriend or future wife is amusingly clever), highly competitive and knows what it takes to win the game. and again, the word GAME is indeed a big word in this episode.

is this simply a game or a reflection in life? if this is only a game, are we permitted, encouraged, advised & required to lie and backstab other contestansts in order to survive? of course! different contestants chose different strategy, and in the end, the one with the most brilliant strategy wins. ethics do not matter in this game. ethics matter in life. eliminated contestants like Lex, Kathy, Alicia & Big Tom who were so damn pissed at Boston Rob for "backstabbing" them, took the game to a personal level. why should they pissed anyway? 'cause they're not in the final two? they talked shit and out of proportion to Boston Rob as a form of defense mechanism? Boston Rob, a construction foreman and part-time bartender deserved to be in the final two, 'cause he played the game right and won most of the immunity challenges. Boston Rob was even thinking strategically after the game was over. he proposed to Amber before (not after) the final vote was announced, and Amber gladly accepted. doesn't matter who won the competition, Boston Rob was already the winner. he got the girl, $250,000 complimentary prize from CBS and perhaps a share of the sweet million bucks when they got married?
if Lex, Kathy, Alicia & Big Tom worked their asses off and won most of the immunity challenges, they wouldn't be in the Jury right? i strongly believe the only way to play this game fairly, is to win EVERY single immunity challenge. that's it. as perfectly said by Shii Ann, if you don't want to be lied and backstabbed in this game, why bother trying? outwit, outplay, outlast. and this is the All Stars for God sake! the ones who had already experienced and learned the game before. this is not a typical season of Survivor. they should come to the game and expect to be lied and backstabbed by anybody. which comes to the first rule of Survivor, "don't trust anyone." the losers might defend themselves by saying they played a fair game, but in the hand, the millions dollars are not in their hands. i'm not saying i admire Boston Rob's questionable strategy nor to condone it, but he played one hell of a game right? and yes, this is only a game.

oh, Rupert Boneham, the guy from Indianapolis, Indiana (that's my place), was announced the winner of second one-million dollar prize after winning the viewer's vote. by having this vote, i think in the future there will be 2 distinct winners; a good guy/girl and a bad guy/girl. the bad guy/girl will win the million dollar the traditional way (Final Tribal Council's vote) and the good guy/girl will win by playing the game clean and fair.

p/s: are there such thing as brilliant backstabbers and gifted liars?
oh, one more thing, can you guys help me out? a highschool friend sent me this riddle to a bunch of my friends, trying to figure it out too. till today no one have solved it.

"Ada 3 org..seorang buta, seorang pekak, seorang bisu.. tiba2 PEKAK curi duit BUTA. BISU nampak. Macam mana BISU nak bagitau BUTA yang PEKAK curi duit BUTA..."

anybody?

I'm reading a book of childhood memories by Anthony Eden, Lord Avon, onetime Prime Minister of England. It brings to mind the reality of everyone's childhood memories and England and glimpses of another world, which is the title of his book. Time is so strange. All the advances and thoughts change the fabric of our existence. Individual lives and decisions. Lives cut short or unrecorded. Memories particular to one person never expressed. And those that are can be woven into another's conciousness through the reading. I love being present in that world, being there one hundred years ago or more, to see his lovely sister as a bride, and his feelings on the page. But it is only a tiny slice of his whole life, and only published because he was a famous and noted man. How can anyone save life? All those unrecorded memories are consumed in death. Perhaps there are mighty books in some library above, recording every action against the day of judgement. I heard an analogy once of angels constantly writing the deeds of your life with invisible ink; only the good deeds show up, the bad are left off. Surely only for those that have Yahshua washing their transgressions away. Stuart said that the footprints we leave behind matter most. These literary footprints have their own stride, rhythm and tread, telling us tales about an otherwise inaccesible time. I'm reminded of Sherlock Holmes, deducting many facts from footprints left at a scene.

Reading: Another World by Anthony Eden - and - The Autobiography of David Crockett.

Listening: The Man Who by Travis

Watching: Remains of the Day

Playing: with my dog, Sam.

Feeling: Cold, because the fan is on.

When I was a kid

Myself and my little brother were playing in the playground one day, he was on the swing and I was on the top of the really high climbing frame (probably about 6 foot of the ground but seemed like at least 50ft!).. My brother had this younger friend called Paul. Paul was about 5 and a bit special! He had this special silly idiot boy laugh (the horror of which will never leave me)! My brother was very evil when he was a bairn and used to torture this Paul a lot. Anyway, this one day Paul had his little fishing net with him for catching sticklebacks. For reasons known only to Paul he had a massive dog turd in the net.
Interesting I thought - I'll just stay up here out of reach! My brother started talking to Paul and it suddenly became a game of Paul trying to get us with this dog turd in a net. Poking it through the holes in the climbing frame and laughing his insane special little laugh I can still remember the crazed look in his eyes (sends shivers down my spine).
After about ten minutes of failing to get us my brother shouts "put the net over your head Paul!". Sounding like a great idea we both shouted this over and over while Paul laughed and laughed and laughed. Being a good boy Paul put the net over his head and pulled it down over his face!!!!
There was shit all over his head - in his hair and on his face, you could smell it and I was gagging! Paul was still laughing!
Then my brother reached new realms of sickness and shouted "eat some Paul". Surely the sick kid wouldnt do that i thought?! How wrong was I!!!!! Almost in slow motion Paul pulled a big dark brown nugget out of his hair and plopped it in his mouth! I ran home screaming!


I later found out that my brother had persuaded Paul not tell his mum that we were involved - bribing him with all the orcs from his Space Crusade set, and the frigging dreadnought!!! Paul was grounded and had all fishing net access restricted!
(Apologies for the length - one of my earliest sickest memories! I don't know where Paul is but I really hope he doesn't work in the food industry!)